


fulfillment?

by mothersbasement



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: AU, F/F, Lexi is oblivious but not really, Lots of weirdness for the sake of symbolism that will make sense later, Mutual Pining, Remixed, Rue centric, Rue is sober, Some angst, Surrealism, They're adults now lmao, several years in the future
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-08 02:14:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20277787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mothersbasement/pseuds/mothersbasement
Summary: At the ripe age of twenty-two, you'd think the scars Jules left on Rue would be gone by now. Fortunately, Lexi is there to sew her best friend back together.A reworking/my own take of I Will Rot Without You by Danger Slater





	1. nine of swords

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rue has a terrible landlord and an unexpected visitor. At least she still has Lexi.

"What is it?" a man with a hardly understandable French accent answers the phone. I twirl the telephone cord around my finger and tighten it until my fingertip turns white.

"Hey, Mr. Beaumont." I try to sound polite. "It's Rue, uh, the tenant in 203?"

I hear an irritated sigh and I immediately regret calling. "Are you asking me if you're Rue or are you telling me?"

"Telling you."

"I know who you are, Bennett." he says angrily. "I don't need you telling me shit. The fuck do you want?"

"There's a, uh, um, I have mice in my apartment?" I suspect Mr. Beaumont is going to yell at me for phrasing that as a question, but instead he grunts and says, "Okay? What do you want me to do about that?"

I uncurl the telephone cord from my finger and begin wrapping it around the palm of my hand. "Could you send an exterminator over or something? They're everywhere and leaving droppings all over the place and-"

Another grunt, this one louder than the previous. "Why can't you call an exterminator yourself?"

"Well, why can't you? You're the landlord." 

"You're goddamn right I'm the landlord, and here you are calling me while I'm in the middle of watching James Bond! Do you have any idea how rude you really are, Miss Bennett?"

I bite my bottom lip repeatedly. I'm trying to draw blood but I don't think I'll succeed. "Sorry, Mr. Beaumont." I say timidly. I anticipate him hanging up but he apparently has more to say.

"You're not sorry! How dare you interrupt my movie night to complain about some stupid mice in your apartment? That sounds like a _you _problem, Miss Bennett."

"Okay."

The cord is restricting blood flow to my hand. It's numb, but I sort of like the feeling. It's a feeling I wish I could feel all the time. 

"You calling me to complain about some damn mice is like stripping me naked and binding my arms behind my back and forcing me to my knees and spitting directly onto my face." 

"Mr. Beaumo-"

"Maybe you should come over here and actually spit in my face since you like disrespecting me so much. Would you like that? Would you like to spit in my face while I beg you for more?"

I nearly choke on my saliva. "No. God ew, no!"

Mr. Beaumont scoffs. "What? You find me unattractive or something?"

"I don't even remember what you look like." I say defensively. "I've only seen you once."

"You think I'm disgusting. You think I'm a disgusting old fart!"

"Mr. Beaumont, please, I just need you to send an exterminator here to get rid of the mice-"

"You're still talking about this? Why don't you man up and get rid of the fucking mice yourself? Matter of fact, grow a pair and come over here to fuck me. I want to cum."

"PLEASE can you just send an exterminator over here? Then I won't bother you anymore. I won't call you while you're watching a movie and I'll uh..." God, am I really about to say this? "I'll...degrade you..." 

There's a long moment of silence from his side. I wish I was six feet under right now. I wish I actually offed myself after my high school graduation like I originally planned. I didn't think I'd make it far enough to actually see myself become three years sober and move out and live alone in a shitty apartment with a French landlord that wants me to spit in his face, and now that I'm here I absolutely loathe it. I could have died without ever having to experience this shit. 

Mr. Beaumont finally speaks. "What did you just say? You'll degrade me? How old are you?"

"Twenty two."

"Unbelievable."

"But you just said you wanted me to spit in your face?"

"Are you sure I said that? Because you don't sound so sure yourself."

"Can you just send a fucking-" 

The line goes dead. Of fucking course he hangs up. 

\---

I have a thing against looking into mirrors. It reminds me that I am a real person and that is the one thing I wish I wasn't. Yet, as I stand in front of the quick mart I can't help but study my reflection in the one way glass on the front door of the store. I study myself until my face begins to look warped, like I'm transforming into some fucked up knockoff Picasso painting. I think I look better this way, distorted and disproportionate. I wish I looked like this everyday. I don't have enough time to admire my new look, though, because the door jolts open and a small _ding! _rings out to pull me back to planet earth.

I look down and see Lexi. I notice her eyes are bloodshot and her hair is wild and nearly tangled. She looks like she's been awake for four days straight and is on the brink of passing out any second. It's completely out of character for her, and I'm not entirely sure what my heart does when my eyes land on her but I think it skips a beat.

She's looking at me with an unreadable expression. "Are you gonna come in or are you just gonna stand in front of the door all day?"

"Oh, right." I mumble. "Hey."

"Hey," she steps aside to let me in. "What are you doing here?

I shuffle past her. It's 11AM on a Wednesday and we both know I'm supposed to be in philosophy class right now. I shrug as I make my way towards the aisles. "Couldn't be bothered to learn today." I answer truthfully. "Plus I wanted to see you. Are you feeling okay?" 

Lexi goes to her position behind the checkout counter and rests her chin on her knuckles. She looks at me intently. I would be uncomfortable if it were anyone else, but I secretly like her having her attention on me. "Yeah, I feel fine." she answers. "Why?"

"Well, uh, not to be rude or anything but you kind of look like shit. Did you get any sleep last night?"

"Mm, maybe only an hour or two. Allergies have been keeping me up. But other than that, I'm okay! Promise." 

I examine her body language. Seems like she's telling the truth, so I start walking down the aisles. "Okay. Well uh, you got anything that will get rid of mice?"

I can hear Lexi perk up. "Get rid of mice?" she echoes. 

"Yeah, I have uh, I have mice at my place and my asshole landlord won't get an exterminator for me." I explain. Imagine having to tell someone you have mice in your home and you need something to get rid of them. How embarrassing. I expect Lexi to laugh at me, but she sighs and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, Rue." she sounds sympathetic. "That really sucks. So much for living in the city."

I chuckle softly to myself. Lexi really is the best. She's understanding, considerate, and never judges me. 

"There's some insecticides on the back wall near the batteries." she says. "There might be some mouse traps or something over there."

I turn and smile at her. "Thanks, Lex." She smiles back and I walk over to where she directed me. There's a singular shelf that's stacked with dozens dangerous looking bottles. Most of them are bug sprays, but there's insecticides just like Lexi said. There's also pesticides, cleaners, bleach, and mouse traps. I decide to grab three of everything I see.

When I make my selections I walk over and drop everything on the checkout counter. Lexi confusedly looks from the bottles to me then back to the bottles then back to me. "You sure you need this much, Rue?" 

I bite my finger nail. I have at least twenty bottles on the counter. Is it overkill? Possibly, but too much can never hurt when you have rodents shitting all over your hardwood floors. "Yes I am sure. I think it's the perfect amount, actually."

Lexi shakes her head playfully and starts ringing me up. "Hey, Lex?"

"Yeah?"

"You should go home early today." I suggest. "You really don't look that great."

"I'm telling you, I really do feel fine." she takes my debit card from me and swipes it. "Are you only saying that because you want me to come hang with you on your day off?"

I try my hardest not to blush, but I feel my cheeks heating up. I look down at my feet. "I mean. Maybe? We could sort out this mice thing together if you want."

I'm being too obvious. 

"Or like," I backtrack. "You could just go home and take some benadryl or something. Get some rest."

Lexi smirks at me like she knows what I really want, which is to just spend as much time as possible with her. I can't really be blamed for that, though. We live in the same city but we only really see each other here or passing on the street. She hands me my plastic bags. "I'll think about it, Bennett."

\---

As I walk back home, I focus on counting my steps. I focus on the way the plastic bags filled with poison swing in my hands. I focus on the way my hips sway whenever my weight shifts to a different foot. I focus on how my breathing gets heavier with each minute that passes (I'm out of shape but I don't care. I have no one to be in shape for). I focus on not looking like a dumbass who forgot how to walk even though there is no one around to look at me and critique my walk. I do this because I only know how to appear normal when people are watching me, so I always act like people are watching me. I'm always performing and I've grown to like it in a fucked up way.

___

I stand in the middle of my kitchen and dump all of the bottles on the floor. In front of me is a mountain of toxins that I could easily pour down my throat. I consider saving a bottle or two for when I finally decide to give up on myself. 

I sit on the ground and examine each bottle individually. There's different instructions for all of them. They either need to be sprayed or diluted or soaked or vigorously rubbed. The only thing all of the bottles can agree on is the fact that they're not safe for human consumption. I think of what I should use first when I hear the sound of chirp-like squeaking. I look up. The fucking mice are sitting right by the bottles!

There's five of them and they're staring directly at me, their noses and whiskers bouncing up and down. Stupid mice. If only they knew I have the power to re-enact Hiroshima on wherever they're coming from. Wait. Where are they coming from?

I get up, bones cracking, to start looking for the source when I hear several knocks on the front door. At first I decide to ignore it since no one ever visits me, but then I begin to think that maybe Mr. Beaumont sent the exterminator over after all, or even better—Lexi decided to come over and spend the day with me. 

The latter possibility sends me rushing to answer the door, but when I look through the peephole I don't see Lexi or someone who looks like they kill pests for a living. I see Jules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted this before but I made some major adjustments lmao. Please tell me what you think! Any feedback is appreciated.


	2. three of swords in reverse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jules comes by. Really angsty chapter whoops.

Fuck.

I freeze in place. I think if I stand really _really _still she won't be able to hear me. 

"I heard you run to the door, Rue." comes Jules' muffled voice. "I know you're in there."

I don't move. If I stand here long enough she'll probably think she just heard something that wasn't actually there. 

There's a bang on the door. "Open the fucking door, Rue!"

Fuck fuck fuck.

I take a deep breath and twist the door knob open. I flash a smile when she appears, but she doesn't look at me. She just comes barging in, nearly knocking me over in the process.

"Okay." I drop my smile. "Hello to you, too."

She's looking around frantically. Her hair is pulled back into a high ponytail and even though she's dressed in messy sweatpants and a crop top she looks fucking amazing. I hate her for it.

"Do you remember the shoebox I used to keep?"

"Yes, why?"

"I need it." Jules goes rushing to the hallway closet. I follow her, realizing how trashed my place really is and I know she's noticing it, too. 

She's in the closet now, pushing everything around on the top shelf and even throwing some things down. I huff and catch my pair of converse she carelessly just tossed out. "Look, you can't just come in here and go through all of my shit-"

"Oh shut up, Rue. That's all you do. You tell me what I can and can't do." 

A small _aha! _falls from her lips and she pulls a small brown shoebox from the closet. She cradles it in her arms and begins making her way to the front door again. 

"Oh no no no." I rush to block the doorway. "That's my box."

Jules gives me the most disgusted and hate-filled look she could possibly muster. "What, did you get brain damage when I broke up with you or something? This is _mine_." 

I pretend like that didn't feel like a punch to the throat. "Jules, please, I know that's mine. I keep my old notebooks in there."

"Oh yeah?" she takes the lid off and pulls out a small rectangular piece of paper. She shoves it in my face. It's a polaroid of her and...Anna. "If this box is yours then what is this doing in here?" 

Jules pulls more things out. There's more photos, a few love notes, pieces of chocolate, an old MP3 player. I don't know how to feel. I feel everything and nothing all at once. I feel like throwing up and shoving my thumbs into her eyes. I feel like kissing her. I feel like begging her to come back to me. I feel like forcing her to drink all of the chemicals I just bought.

Jules scoffs when I don't make any sound. "That's what I thought. You're so fucking stupid, Rue."

I clear my throat. She tries to push past me but I keep my place in front of the doorway. I'm gathering my thoughts. "So," I begin. "You mean to tell me that for the two years we've lived together, you kept a box of photos of you and Anna in my apartment? You've been seeing Anna behind my back the entire time?"

"Yes." Jules says matter-of-factly. "That's exactly what I'm saying."

"So you come here almost seven months after dumping me to get this box? I feel like you're doing this on purpose. Why didn't you just take the fucking thing with you when you first left?"

I don't give her time to answer. Instead, I take the box from her. "You know what I think, Jules?" I walk over to the first window I can get to, open it, and dump all of the box's contents out into the street below. Jules comes over and pushes me to the ground. "Are you fucking kidding me, Rue? Are you fucking serious right now?"

"You deserve it. You were basically cheating on me the entire time we were together!" 

"Get over yourself!" she's yelling at me now. I hate how she's towering over me, but I'm too afraid to stand up. "That's exactly why I left. You're always complaining about something that I'm doing!"

"I'm so fucking sorry I never agreed to a fucking open relationship, Jules." I yell back at her. My voice cracks. I think I'm about to cry. "So fucking sorry."

"You know why I left? I left because you play everything too safe. You want everything to stay the same in your little suffocating bubble. There's no room for change or fun."

Yeah, I'm definitely about to cry. I tilt my head up to the ceiling to keep the tears from falling down my face. "Why'd you have to cheat on me, though?"

For once, Jules doesn't have an answer. I hear her shifting from foot to foot. "I don't know. I've been seeing Anna for so long I felt like...I didn't need to tell you."

I think back to my high school days. When Ali warned me about what the future holds for me and Jules. When Jules told me she was in love with Anna. When I watched Jules leave on the train without me. When I went back home and relapsed and realized that no matter I do my relationship with her will always be doomed. When she came back after winter break and I stupidly took her back. When we graduated and decided to move in with each other. When we would happily dance and sing and bake cookies in the middle of the kitchen. 

Jules is right. I'm really fucking stupid. 

I feel a panic attack coming on. I stand up and refuse to look at her. "Please get out of my house."

Jules doesn't say anything. She leaves without protest, slamming the door behind her. 

I stand there. It's getting hard to breathe, as if all of the air in the room is getting sucked out. I close the window to keep the air from escaping. Time seems frozen as I focus on counting to fifty just like my therapist told me to do whenever I feel like this. I ball my hands into fists and squeeze and unsqueeze them repeatedly. I hear the mice squeaking and it's frustrating me. I have to get out this apartment.

I rush over the wall telephone I decided to install when I had plans of giving the apartment a vintage feel. I dial Lexi's job. She actually answers.

"Hello, thank you for calling Highland Quick Mart, how may I help you?" her voice is sweet and cool and angelic. 

"Hey Lex, it's Rue."

"Oh hey, Rue! Did you forget something?"

"No I, um. Are you going to stay at work? Jules just came over and I just-"

"Jules? Say no more, Rue. I'll call off for the rest of the day and I'll be right over."

"Wait!" I eye the mice that are still staring at me from their place by the bug sprays. "There's mice here, remember. I'd rather go to your place."

"Yeah, no problem! I'll be there in five to come pick you up, okay?" I hear Lexi smiling through her words. Sometimes I wonder if she's even real. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love Jules I feel so bad for portraying her like this lmao


	3. ten of swords

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted this before but I made some major changes and took the surrealism out since it seemed to throw some people off lmao. Here's a much milder (or more precisely: a normal) version.

Lexi's apartment is much nicer than mine. It's neater, bigger, brighter, vanilla scented, free of mice. "Cassie would usually be here," Lexi explains as she closes the door and hangs up her hoodie. I take off my shoes at the entrance. "But she started taking art lessons like two weeks ago so she's gone a lot."

"A new Salvador Dali in the making, huh?" 

Lexi moves over into the kitchen and rummages through the refrigerator. "More like Claude Monet. It would be cool if she was into surrealism, though." She turns around and holds up an ice cold water bottle in my direction."Water?"

"Oh, no thanks. I'm not thirsty." I feel like nothing I put in my body will stay down. I sit on the couch and Lexi doesn't waste any time with taking the bottle for herself and sitting down next to me. 

"So..." she starts. "What happened with Jules?" I guess she notices me tense up at her question because she quickly follows up with: "We don't have to talk about it if you're not feeling up for it yet." 

I breathe deeply through my nose and out through my mouth, tugging on the sleeve of my shirt. I shake my head. "No it's okay, I'm just-"

Fuck it. If there was one thing my therapist told me that was actually useful, it would be to never let your emotions stay bottled up. I decide to just let it all out.

"She came by to get something and like, turns out she was still seeing Anna behind my back." I hear Lexi silently gasp. I feel like the air is being sucked out of the room again and my voice is shaking and I'm biting at my bottom lip. I don't look at her. "She even had a fucking box of pictures of them together and love letters and candy and whatever and she had all of this hidden away in my fucking closet the entire time. She just came in and called me stupid and showed everything to me like it wasn't going to hurt me, and then she had the nerve to get mad at _me _because apparently I'm boring and I always complain about the things she does and she never liked being with me anyway when really I'm the one who should be mad because the whole thing just felt like she was doing this to me on purpose and-"

I'm seething, and Lexi cuts me off by pulling me to her chest. She strokes my hair. My heart is pumping with frustration and anger and hopelessness. I try to sync my breathing with the rise and fall of her chest. 

"Listen, Rue." she says in that calm and smooth voice of hers. "I don't know if her brain is scattered or if she's forgotten who you are, but I do know that you are _not _boring and you are _not _stupid. It's her fault for not being able to see what a true gem you are. You did nothing to deserve being treated that way." 

The sincerity in her voice makes me choke up, and I really don't want to cry again so I bury my face in her shirt and try to compose myself. I realize it's not the fact that Jules is gone that is hurting me, but rather it's the effect she's had on me. Exhausting myself by trying to contort and mold myself into what I thought she'd like. Overextending myself to try to keep up with her fast-paced lifestyle. Giving too much of my heart to keep her happy. All of this just to find out the interest she had for me vanished the night she left on the train all those years ago. 

I realize that I have a habit of holding too much compassion in my heart for those who wouldn't even bend a finger to help me, while I treat the ones who are actually worthy of kindness like dog shit on the bottom of my shoe. I think back to the day when Lexi came in the bathroom to check on me and how I acted so cruelly towards her. That memory disgusts me enough to make me want to vomit right on Lexi's carpet.

Lexi begins rubbing my back while her chin rests on the crown of my head. "Talk to me," she says softly. "What are you thinking?"

I'm thinking about how I don't deserve any of the warmth and care I'm receiving right now. I feel the urge to push her away and tell her to stop being so kind to me because it makes me feel guilty. Instead I sigh and it sounds like a pathetic whimper. "I don't know." I sit up and wipe the fresh tears that are falling down my face. "Sometimes I wonder why you stick around and help me so much."

Lexi knits her eyebrows and tilts her head. "Rue, you're my best friend. Why wouldn't I be here for you?" 

We lock eyes and the amount of concern and empathy in her gaze immediately makes me feel small and vulnerable. I feel exposed. I feel like she knows that I regret spending so long with someone who was wrong for me when she was right in front of me the entire time. I don't say anything. I can't say anything.

She reaches out and tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. "I'm always going to be here for you, okay? I know you don't believe it but you really do deserve to be taken care of, Rue. I really have no problem with being the one to do that."

I don't know why, but my heart starts racing and my body warms up. She takes my hands and her runs her thumbs over my knuckles. "You can stay here until you feel like going back home, okay?"

I try to crack a smile. "Promise you won't get tired of me in like an hour or so?"

"Oh, Rue. How could I ever get tired of you?"

___

I end up staying over for the entire night. I know the atmosphere of my apartment will be thick and constraining because of Jules' return and it's going to take forever for it to feel livable again. 

Cassie comes home and orders Chinese takeout for all of us, and we sit and eat on the floor while discussing whether Kill Bill is more iconic than Pulp Fiction or not.

"Oh come on, Pulp Fiction is definitely better than Kill Bill. If that was the only thing I was allowed to watch for the rest of my life I wouldn't even complain!" Lexi tries to defend her position, but Cassie and I aren't persuaded. "I'm sorry but the scene where Gogo swings that ball around is more iconic than the entirety of Pulp Fiction." Cassie objects. I shove ham fried rice into my mouth and nod in agreement. "She's got a point." I say. Lexi sighs into her orange chicken. "You know what, you two just have bad taste and that's okay."

We end up staying on the living room floor for hours. Cassie talks about how she learned about surrealism in her art class and that she's slowly falling in love with Salvador Dali (bonus points to me for being right about her being a new Dali in the making) and somehow we end up talking about music, and I tell them about how I was planning on going to a King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard concert pretty soon. Lexi brings up the fact that I've already seen them four times. 

"So? They just came out with a new album and I want to hear it live." I'm laying on my back and staring mindlessly at the ceiling. "Wait, who are they?" Cassie asks. 

"They're a stoner rock band for hippies." Lexi is quick to answer.

I jolt up. "How many times do I have to tell you that they're not a hippie band? They're not even stoner rock." Lexi isn't having any of it. She's the only one with food still left at this point, and she's chewing slowly on an eggroll. "They totally are, Bennett."

"No way! I didn't know you liked that kind of music." Cassie's interest in really piqued now. I lay back down and resume staring at the ceiling. "Oh my god, they're not hippies." I huff. "They're like...if Tame Impala decided to experiment with a bunch of genres with a 60s influence."

I end up playing a song by the band to show Cassie and Lex what I meant. Cassie shrugs at the end of it. "I don't know, Rue. They sound pretty hippie to me."

\---

"You sure you don't want a change of clothes?" Lexi asks. I'm standing in her room facing away from her because she's changing. "I can just sleep in my shirt." I say. "It's long enough."

"If you say so. Okay, you can turn around now."

I do and see that Lexi is laying in bed, scrolling through something on her phone, not paying any attention to me or how I'm (admittedly) taking note of how soft her legs look in her pajama shorts. I fake a cough and look down at my feet. "So like, am I sleeping in your bed or..."

Lexi pulls her eyes away from her screen and directs them towards me. "Duh. I'm not gonna let you sleep on the couch or floor. Plus I know that you like to cuddle."

Sometimes I wish Lexi didn't know me so well. 

"Okay, well," I cautiously slip out of my jeans, making sure I keep my shirt from riding up as I do so. I lay down next to her. The sheets and duvet feel like silk against my skin. Lexi puts her phone on her nightstand and lays on her side to face me. She's grinning wildly and I can't help but nervously chuckle. 

"What?"

"Why are you so tense? It's just me."

I want to tell her that's exactly why I'm struggling to relax. 

"I don't know," I lie. "It's been so long since I've slept in a bed that wasn't mine or like...was shared with someone else."

"Oh hush." Lexi turns around again to switch off her bedside lamp. The room is flooded with the pale light from the full moon shining through the window. It's cinematic in it's own way. I think if I were directing an indie romance movie I would include a scene where the main couple is laying in bed in the pale moonlight. I think of kissing Lexi softly, my hands snaked around her waist, just like what would happen during the scene. I think the soundtrack would be something by Sufjan Stevens or Lorde.

I'm feeling bold. 

Lexi's back is still turned, so I move closer and wrap my arms around her. She fits perfectly against me. 

"Hey, I wanted to be the big spoon." her voice cuts through the silence. 

"Too bad. You shouldn't have said King Gizzard is a hippie band." I joke. 

"Come on, you know they lowkey are."

I hate admitting to defeat, but she's somewhat right. Only somewhat. 

A bright idea comes to my head. "You should come to their next concert with me! It's in two weeks." I shoot my shot. "I think you'd like it. It's laidback and it'll probably be at a venue with a balcony so we could just sit up there and chill."

Lexi pretends to ponder my offer. "Hm, I don't know, Bennett. Am I gonna return from it barefoot with a bunch of flowers in my hair or something?"

"Yeah, probably." I kid. I give her waist a small squeeze. "Come on, it'd be so fun! I guarantee you'll be dancing three songs in. If you're not dancing by then you'll have full permission to yell at me for wasting your time." 

"Nothing is a waste of time if it's with you." comes her response. I nearly melt at those words. She agrees to go with me and I almost jump out of my skin.

"Forreal?" I confirm.

"Don't make me change my mind."

"Okay, okay." I adjust my grip on her waist and position my head so my forehead is lightly pressing against the back of Lexi's head. "You're really gonna like it." 

"I know. Goodnight, Bennett."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell what I was listening to when I wrote this lmao. Sorry if this is all over the place. I kept getting more ideas while writing it


End file.
